Hey all, welcome to Sports! This is the first edition of my new, much prettier newsletter, and also the first newsletter I’m sending out after transitioning everything over from Substack to beehiiv.

If you have any issues — double-billing, multiple emails in your inbox, etc. — let us know at [email protected].

– Rodger Sherman

For most of the year, Indiana has avoided stress by simply beating everybody by 50-to-90 points. Saturday, Indiana was projected to coast over a Penn State team that had already fired head coach James Franklin and lost starting QB Drew Allar to a season-ending injury, but the undefeated Hoosiers found themselves trailing the plucky Nits, 24-20, with two minutes to go.

And then came The Drive. Or The Catch. Whatever you want to call it.

We already knew Indiana could win the whole damn thing. Now, the Hoosiers have their signature moment.

If you’ve read my work, you know I’m obsessed with weird rules, loopholes, and special teams trickery. But I need to clarify something: I like weird rules, loopholes, and special teams trickery only when they are not employed against my beloved Northwestern Wildcats. Then it’s CHEATING, and I consider your whole team to be LIARS OF ILL REPUTE.

USC played one of the hits, swapping the number of backup quarterback Sam Huard from #7 to #80, the same as punter Sam Johnson’s. (Huard is Damon’s son and Brock’s nephew, and was once a 5-star recruit whose recruiting profile read “projects as an immediate Power 5 starter and future first round NFL draft pick” before transferring from Washington to Cal Poly to Utah to USC.) On USC’s first punt of the night, Huard entered the game and calmly completed a 10-yard pass. The announcers marveled at how well the punter threw the ball.

Everything I’ve described here is totally legal. (USC may have even read my post “How to disguise your quarterback as your punter” from December!) The Trojans even listed Huard as #80 on the gameday roster so that they didn’t have to announce the change to the Wildcats mid-game, another rule technicality we’ve discussed. The Trojans have improved their skills of deception since 2012, when Lane Kiffin had backup QB Cody Kessler swap numbers with the punter mid-game, which was illegal. Head coach Lincoln Riley said he’d actually been listing Huard as #80 on the roster for several weeks without anybody noticing.

HOWEVER.

I believe that what the Trojans did NEXT is illegal. Like I said, this was USC’s first punt. The rest of the night, Johnson entered the game wearing #80 as usual. The rulebook clearly states that “two players playing the same position may not wear the same number during the game.” That’s unsportsmanlike conduct and a 15-yard penalty. Every time Johnson went out wearing #80, lined up at the same position that Huard had been, USC should’ve been flagged. To avoid the penalties, the Trojans should have had to use their backup punter for the rest of the night.

In general, I just feel like the Trojans should be more sensitive to “disguising one thing as another thing” after, you know, that one incident back in the day.

USC fans, wanna pull off the same trick as your favorite team? It’s easy!

Just buy two of Homefield’s new Gamebreaker jackets, their flashy new windbreakers with a removable hood and ‘90s swagger — available for 66 schools, including USC — and give one to somebody you hate. Then go out and commit any crime you feel like. When the police see your enemy wearing their new jacket, they’ll say, “Wow! That’s the same stylish, retro jacket the criminal was wearing! It’s giving such strong vintage vibes that it must be a one-of-a-kind piece from the 1990s! That must be our criminal!” And everything will take care of itself.

(Note: Homefield Apparel’s legal team would like to be clear that they do not endorse using Homefield Apparel to commit crimes, including, but not limited to, heists, capers, and other escapades.)

#14 Virginia, the highest-rated team in the ACC, lost 16-9 to Georgia Tech after star QB Chandler Morris left the game with a concussion. As you can see above, a UVA fan draped themself over the stadium’s brick railing in an homage to a UVA meme of old:

My theory is that when Virginia loses a game, the gravity in the stadium suddenly spikes to Jupiter levels, literally crushing devastated fans.

Elsewhere in the ACC, #15 Louisville lost to Cal in overtime when the Golden Bears put the entire game on a single fourth down pass instead of kicking a field goal for double OT.

So here are the ACC standings right now:

The conference is headed for a potential playoff disaster. In the most recent CFP rankings, no ACC team was ranked higher than #14, and only 12 teams make the playoff. However, the College Football Playoff awards automatic bids to the five highest-rated conference champions. Whoever wins the ACC will probably fit that description.

But! We could see a scenario in which the ACC champion is the sixth-highest rated team. If Duke wins out, it could be the ACC champion at 9-4, with no wins against ranked opponents and losses to UConn and Tulane. If 11-2 Tulane wins the American and 12-1 James Madison wins the Sun Belt, the ACC could miss out on the playoff altogether. The league office needs to start pulling the strings for Miami now.

🤷 The wildest ending of the week came in the FCS, as Eastern Washington attempted to upset undefeated Montana. EWU’s quarterback tried to spike the ball for one final shot at the end zone … but fumbled the snap and watched the clock run out.

I think his big mistake was not playing off the whole thing as intentional. The ref at the bottom of the screen is already trying to blow the play dead for him! It worked for Bo Nix a few years ago!

👁️ FETTY WAP ALERT! In the first nine weeks of the college football season, zero games finished with a final score of 17-38. This week, we got two! Northwestern-USC and Texas A&M-Missouri both finished with a Fetty. I am treating these occurrences as miracles meant to honor the new newsletter.

🤮 Wisconsin has one of the grossest offenses in the country, ranking 134th out of 136 FBS teams in scoring … and it beat a ranked Washington team with punter Sean West as the Badgers’ leading passer. West went 1-for-1 for 24 yards on a fake punt — Wisconsin didn’t need to sub in a backup QB or anything — and the rest of Wisconsin’s QBs [Ed. note #1: They used three!] went 5-for-17 for 24 yards. Keep Luke Fickell for another decade! [Ed. note #2: Please no.]

🌈 In our first newsletter of the CFB season, I projected that the Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors might make a bowl game — but I underestimated the ‘Bows! On Saturday night, they crushed San Diego State, 38-7, and handed the Aztecs their first loss in Mountain West play. Hawai’i is still behind Boise State and San Diego State in the conference standings, but those two teams play each other next week, so a trip to the conference title game is definitely possible for the ‘Bows!

If you’re reading a college football newsletter, you might want to watch a video about college football. Good news! I made one a couple days ago! Here’s the first video from Sports! about the forgotten history of the Tush Push. Subscribe here for more videos like it — coming soon!